**** Mr.Transam's Oppvarming til helga tråd!:D **** OPPDATERT:ehh.. ikke i dag!

[|Massern|]

Den siste filmen er genial bra! Lo godt da jeg så den for en tid tilbake:)

[Mr.TransAm]

Ja, Blue collar er kanskje noe av det beste som har blitt laget av stand-up noen gang.

[Lalala99]

hehe var meg ja ;) Ble en lang samtale midt i veien der ;)

[Mr.TransAm]

Ja faen. Var dritings da ass! :D:D:D

[Mr.TransAm]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

 

-Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper, according to lights and darks

 

-Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas

 

-Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc

 

-Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone

 

-Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins

 

-Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean

 

-Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced

 

-Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red

 

-Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash

 

-Rinse conditioner off hair

 

-Shave armpits and legs

 

-Turn off shower

 

-Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower

 

-Spray mold spots with Tilex

 

-Get out of shower

 

-Dry with towel the size of a small country

 

-Wrap hair in super absorbent towel

 

-Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head, if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas

 

 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

 

 

-Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile

 

-Walk naked to the bathroom, if you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound

 

-Look at your manly physique in the mirror

 

-Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass

 

-Get in the shower

 

-Wash your face

 

-Wash your armpits

 

-Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off

 

-Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower

 

-Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area

 

-Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap

 

-Wash your hair

 

-Make a shampoo Mohawk

 

-Pee

 

-Rinse off and get out of shower

 

-Partially dry off

 

-Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time

 

-Admire wiener size in mirror again

 

-Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on

 

-Return to bedroom with towel around waist, if you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again

 

-Throw wet towel on bed

[Mr.TransAm]

YOU MIGHT BE A RICE BOY IF ...

 

... you find yourself using the excuse 'yo, but you gots twice as many cylindas, dude after EVERY race

... you drive a 4 door 'type R'

... your gumby pants make it hard to shift

... more than 20 of your mods involve shielding what is actually underneath

... you have stickers that even most asians don't get

... you have stickers for parts you dont have

... you refer to 50hp as the 'big shot'

... your car has so much camber it can drive on its side

... when you drive by, WWII veterans run for shelter

... your exhaust tip diameter is 4 times the inner muffler diameter

... you have 'power by' anything anywhere on a car made by the engine manufacturer

... birds make nests on your spoiler because its taller than the trees

... you sell crack for the image...not the money

... you have 'N/T' polished on the side of car and you don't know what bracket racing is...

... you will only race if the other guy removes four sparkplugs

... you can't race uphills

... you have "All Motor" emblazoned on your rear hatch right next to your 17.50 dial in

... you brag to have nitrous and have a 15.50 dial in

... your exhaust system for your 1.8L is bigger than most Pro-stock cars

... you spent more money on stickers and stripes than your parents paid for your car

... you go to a performance shop and immediately start rummaging through the decal bin

... your tach is bigger than your head

... you have a shiftlight and your car is an automatic

... you refuse to race because it's a "show car"

... your only mods are cut factory springs and a 5" chrome exhaust tip

... at Autocross events you don't participate because you have a drag race setup and at drag events you brag about kicking ass on the autocross.

... you have more lights on the front of your car than the USS Voyager

... you brag about a turbo kit that never seems to get installed.

... your exhaust sounds like a dying Moose

... your bright green $300 air filter is bigger than your engine.

[Mr.TransAm]

Top 10 Rejected Valentine Cards:

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk

But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

 

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow

Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

 

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store

In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

 

7. This feels so good, it feels so right

I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

 

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class

Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

 

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished

But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

 

4. Through all the things that came to pass

Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

 

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie

I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

 

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny

So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

 

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,

you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[Mr.TransAm]

- "Hey, Frank .."

- "Yeah?"

- "You've always been the smart one ... what is a mixed feeling?"

- "Umm ... you have a BMW, right?"

- "Yeah, 7-series. Fully loaded."

- "What did you pay for it?"

- "Over 60 grand."

- "It's paid off, right?"

- "Right."

- "Leather?"

- "Yeah."

- "Sunroof?"

- "Electric."

- "Radio?"

- "XM Premium Plus. With navigation system."

- "You wash it every Sunday, right?"

- "Right."

- "You hand wax it once a month?"

- "Twice."

- "Ah"

- "So where does the mixed feeling come in?"

- "Um ... when your mother-in-law drives it off a cliff ..."

[Mr.TransAm]

IRISH PROSTITUTE

 

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,

her father cursed her.

 

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a

line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum

thru?

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a

prostitute...."

 

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace

to this family."

 

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur

coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for

$5 million."

 

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling

new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a

membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation

for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,

and...."

 

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

 

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a

Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

[Mr.TransAm]

[Mr.TransAm]

Denne her er så ufattelig bra!:D

 

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

 

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

 

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

 

8. The cat is on Valium.

 

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

 

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

 

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

 

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

 

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

 

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

 

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

[Mr.TransAm]

 

 

 

 

 

Hvordan øke sikkerheten i trafikken?

 

 

Hvordan vite at det er en terrorist på flyplassen:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vel, vil tro det er trygt å si at den nye bommen på jobben var en dårlig invistering:D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Betjenten Får jeg se førerkortet?

 

Føreren Jeg har ikke førerkort, det ble inndratt etter min femte fartsbot.

Betjenten Å..? Er det din bil? Får jeg se vognkortet?

 

Føreren Det er ikke min bil. Denne har jeg stjålet.

 

Betjenten Har du stjålet denne bilen??

 

Føreren Ja, men når jeg tenker over det, så ligger det vel et vognkort i hanskerommet, der jeg la pistolen min.

 

Betjenten Er det en pistol i hanskerommet!??

 

Føreren Ja, jeg la den der etter at jeg hadde skutt kvinnen som eier bilen, og lagt henne i bagasjerommet.

 

Betjenten Ligger det en kvinne i bagasjerommet!!??

 

Føreren Ja, hr. betjent.

 

Nå hadde betjenten fått nok, og tilkalte politimesteren over radioen. Føreren ble fort omringet av store politistyrker. Politimesteren gikk bort til føreren for selv å ta kontroll over situasjonen.

 

Politimesteren Får jeg se førerkortet?

 

Føreren Ja, naturligvis. Her er det.

 

Politimesteren Hvem sin bil er det?

 

Føreren Det er min bil.

 

Politimesteren Vil du være snill å åpne hanskerommet sakte, så jeg kan se om det ligger en pistol der?

 

Føreren Ja, se selv. Her er det ingen pistol.

 

Politimesteren Vær vennlig å åpne bagasjerommet. Jeg har fått vite at det skal ligge en død kvinne der.

 

Føreren Naturligvis, ikke noe problem. Se selv, det er tomt.

 

Politimesteren Det forstår jeg ikke. Politibetjenten sier at du har fortalt at du ikke har noe førerkort, at du har stjålet bilen, at det ligger en pistol i hanskerommet og at du har myrdet en kvinne som ligger i bagasjerommet?

 

Føreren Hva!? Har han sagt det?? Så den løgnaktige røveren har vel også påstått at jeg kjørte for fort da??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Førerkortsøknad for totninger:

 

Etternavn: ________________

 

Fornavn:

(_) Odd-Harry

(_) Tor-Harry

(_) Stein-Harry

(_) Eilert-Harry

(_) Linn-Harry

(_) Børt-Harry

(_) Roy-Harry

(Check appropriate box)

 

Alder: ____

Kjønn: ____ M _____ F _____ vet ikke

 

Fødested:

(_) soverom

(_) fjøs

(_) stabbur

(_) traktor

(_) kornåker

(_) vet ikke

 

Stilling:

(_) Fisker

(_) Bonde

(_) Fiskebonde

(_) Arbeidsledig

 

Samboer/Kones navn: ________________

 

Forhold til samboer/kone:

(_) Søster

(_) Bror

(_) Tante

(_) Onkel

(_) Kusine

(_) Mor

(_) Far

(_) Sønn

(_) Datter

(_) Kjeledyr

 

Antall barn i ditt hus: ___

Antallet som er dine: ___

 

Mors navn: _____________

Fars navn: _____________

(Hvis usikker, hopp over punktet)

 

Utdannelse: 0 1 2

(Sett ring rundt den høyeste karakteren du fikk)

 

Har du

(_)stjålet eller

(_)leid bobilen din?

(Kryss av riktig boks)

 

___ Antall kjøretøy du selv eier

___ Antallet kjøretøy du kan kjøre

___ Antallet traktorer på gårdsplassen

___ Antallet traktorer bak stabburet

 

Hvor mange hagler har du, og hvor oppbevarer du dem:

____ traktoren

____ soverommet

____ stabburet

____ kjøkkenet

____ redskapskulet

 

Når ble Amazonen din førstegangsregistrert:

194_

 

Har du egen høygaffel-holder?

(_) Ja

(_) Nei;

Hvis nei, vennligst forklar: _____________

 

Aviser/blader du abonnerer på:

(_) Se & Hør

(_) Villmarksliv

(_) Vårt Land

(_) Bruktbilforum

(_) Jakt og fiske

 

___ Antall ganger du har sett en UFO

___ Antall ganger du har sett Elvis

___ Antall ganger du har sett Elvis i en UFO

 

Hvor ofte vasker du deg:

(_)Ukentlig

(_)Månedlig

(_)Forstår ikke spørsmålet

 

Tannfarge:

(_)Gul

(_)Brun-gul

(_)Brun

(_)Svart

(_)Tannløs

 

Hvilken snus bruker du:

(_)General posesnus

[MGR]

haha.. faen å artig!:pray :hammer

[fred_stian]

 

 

HAHAHAHA!!!! Her må man gi på frem til skiltet og skru av motoren med en gang, for så å satse på at du triller frem til neste kryss eller lignende!:thumb

[Mr.TransAm]

Hva faen er det han gjøken her prøver på egentlig??

 

http://www.break.com/movies/dude_rolls_jeep_doing_donuts.html